Author: Steen

This post is an update on our resident pheasant (from last week). I decided that I wanted to get a photo of the pheasant for this blog, but I was scared that he would attack me again.

Nonetheless, on Monday I set out to see what kind of shot I could get, only to find that the pheasant was beat up pretty badly. I didn’t know if it was a car or what, but he was in a bad way. He didn’t even bother trying to attack me, he just sat there glaring at me, and occasionally hobbling around pathetically. I really felt bad for him. Even though I hated him, he did not deserve this. But it did make it easy to get a photo.

I later found out that the pheasant had tried to attack another bicycle commuter, and got tangled in the spokes as it dove into the wheels for its attack. He says that he stopped immediately to try and free the pheasant, as it looked like its neck would snap. And as soon as it was freed it resumed attacking him, totally unphased.

Throughout the week, I noticed that the pheasant had moved to a new location away from the road, and it seemed more skittish. It was a new bird. A humble pheasant, a sad pheasant, and a “oh cyclist how good it is to see you” pheasant. I felt really happy that it was doing better, and it seemed like this whole ordeal would really turn out to be for the better since it seemed to teach him not to attack everything.

But then he got too healthy. And that stupid bird was waiting for me on the road Friday evening after work, and he chased me all the way up that damn hill again. I mean, for fuck’s sake! How did I ever feel sorry for that stupid bird?? Ugh.

At the end of all things, we are destined to die at each others’ hands, locked in eternal combat.

An evil pheasant of death has taken up residence at my work. This pheasant has been relentlessly attacking anybody and everybody that tries to get to work. It attacks cars, bicyclists, pedestrians, EVERYTHING. I’m honestly surprised that it isn’t dead yet.

Normally I can outpace the pheasant when I’m on my bike, even going up the brutal hill that leads out of my work and back onto the main road. But last Friday the wind really picked up in the evening, and it was blowing straight down on me and almost pushing me back down the hill. I was halfway up the hill, making very slow time, but I hadn’t seen the pheasant yet so I thought I was free and clear.

Then I saw it.

As soon as I saw that pheasant, it started making a weird chortling sound at me. I started trying to go faster up the hill and I began to attack me. It untied my shoelaces (somehow) and pecked at me relentlessly, flapping its wings and diving in. I could not get away. I tried keeping the bike between myself and the bird, but it figured out how to dive between the wheels. I quickly moved the bike, and then saw that I had the pheasant pinned down with my bike tire on its neck. I immediately felt really bad, and without thinking pulled the bike back so it wasn’t on its neck anymore. But, of course, the pheasant didn’t care that I had showed it mercy and continued its attack as soon as my tire was off its neck. I finally managed to get away and once I was off the giant hill and on the main road, I easily escaped (even with the wind).

I was grappling with how to deal with the pheasant whilst not killing it – indeed I even Googled the phrase “how to fight a pheasant,” but to no avail. But I did learn that pheasants are not native to California at all, so then all my sympathy for the animal vanished. I would probably be doing the environment a favor if I killed that pest. I think that if it attacks me again, I will fight to kill it. It is kind of funny how my whole viewpoint on the situation changed when I found out that pheasants were introduced.

This is similar to the Reign of Turkey Terror that we had at my work a few years back, except that turkeys are bigger and meaner and totally native to the area. So, I guess what I’m saying is, I’m glad that at least it isn’t a turkey. Then I’d have to grapple with the ethics of fighting a native species.