Resident Pheasant

An evil pheasant of death has taken up residence at my work. This pheasant has been relentlessly attacking anybody and everybody that tries to get to work. It attacks cars, bicyclists, pedestrians, EVERYTHING. I’m honestly surprised that it isn’t dead yet.

Normally I can outpace the pheasant when I’m on my bike, even going up the brutal hill that leads out of my work and back onto the main road. But last Friday the wind really picked up in the evening, and it was blowing straight down on me and almost pushing me back down the hill. I was halfway up the hill, making very slow time, but I hadn’t seen the pheasant yet so I thought I was free and clear.

Then I saw it.

As soon as I saw that pheasant, it started making a weird chortling sound at me. I started trying to go faster up the hill and I began to attack me. It untied my shoelaces (somehow) and pecked at me relentlessly, flapping its wings and diving in. I could not get away. I tried keeping the bike between myself and the bird, but it figured out how to dive between the wheels. I quickly moved the bike, and then saw that I had the pheasant pinned down with my bike tire on its neck. I immediately felt really bad, and without thinking pulled the bike back so it wasn’t on its neck anymore. But, of course, the pheasant didn’t care that I had showed it mercy and continued its attack as soon as my tire was off its neck. I finally managed to get away and once I was off the giant hill and on the main road, I easily escaped (even with the wind).

I was grappling with how to deal with the pheasant whilst not killing it – indeed I even Googled the phrase “how to fight a pheasant,” but to no avail. But I did learn that pheasants are not native to California at all, so then all my sympathy for the animal vanished. I would probably be doing the environment a favor if I killed that pest. I think that if it attacks me again, I will fight to kill it. It is kind of funny how my whole viewpoint on the situation changed when I found out that pheasants were introduced.

This is similar to the Reign of Turkey Terror that we had at my work a few years back, except that turkeys are bigger and meaner and totally native to the area. So, I guess what I’m saying is, I’m glad that at least it isn’t a turkey. Then I’d have to grapple with the ethics of fighting a native species.

Author: Steen

Steen is a nerdy biologist who spends a lot of time trying to cultivate Chloroflexi, who also likes to draw comics, play video games, and climb.

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